My New Style

I've decided to go Freudian with all these new songs playing in my head. They rock. You should hear them. You will. Don't worry.
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

How to Be Like Me

I realize this might be boring to stupid bimbos who can't tell an artist from a fake. Here's one last detail for my imitators. My knee. I tore every ligament in my left knee and had to have reconstructive surgery. I was in a cast up to my hip for six months. So if you want to emulate me, you need to rip all the ligaments out of your left knee and undergo reconstructive surgery. Then you must be in a cast up to your hip for six months and wheelchair bound. And I didn't get pain pills for my injury because the doctor wanted to punish me for playing on the railroad bridge. So when your knee swells up like a football, remember, no pain medication. (The other scar I just noticed is from a clamshell cut as a child. They hurt, too.)
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© 2010. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.

How to Work with Images on a MAC

The best way to work with images on a mac is to make sure the image needs no editing beforehand. If you are making an imovie, you might need a camera that takes still shots, but with the action of a Glock; that is, a semi-automatic camera that let's you take rapid pictures of whatever you're trying to film. Then you just return to imovie and line all nine thousand of them up, one after the other. And there's your imovie! Well, it's back to work for me. Let's see now. Where was I? Oh yes! 5614, 5615, 5615. I can hardly wait till his arm makes it to his side!
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Doing It Right

Here are some cleaning hints for those of you who fancy yourselves as tidy individuals. I see a lot of half-assed work in this area. The basic rules are simple. Whatever surface, vertical, horizontal or upside-down, you must start with a wet cloth and apply a circular pattern, keep going until all the dirt is gone, then buff over it with a dry, spongy towel - in straight lines. You may only use circular lines with the towel if you started with straight lines with the wet cloth. This way you offset the streaks. Streaks are half-assed. When cleaning your toilet, try using liquid laundry detergent. Tide smells good. You need to improve the smell so you can get your face in close for the inspection and the scrubbing. With certain stubborn hairs, sandpaper is quite useless and may scratch the porcelain. Go ahead and use the same cloth for the bowl-like bathroom sink. It's already coated in mucus and spit. Just don't use that rag on anything else ever again. Or even dispose of it if necessary. When you're done with doing your dishes, don't leave that leftover sludge in the drain or it will block the drain. Get in there with your fingers and pick it out and throw it in the garbage. And then run the hot water and splash it around the sides of the sink to clear away that greasy film. Don't do it half-assed. And then wipe the counter and the stove and put the dishes out of sight. Clean the floor to complete the antiseptic look of perhaps a hospital kitchen. Cleaning up this way is meant to last for a week or so, but you can stretch it for longer periods if you have other conflicting activities.
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Good Government

As I smile upon the Canada Day Google graphic, with its red leaf and red oceans waving in the wind, I am reminded of how lucky I am to live in this country. It's a tolerant country. I often get my riffs in my head when I'm alone and they cause me to start bobbing up and down in my seat and maybe to go, 'chicka-chicka...' or 'ticka-ticka...' If I'm hearing a phaser, I might go, 'Bzhyew! Bzzzyew!' They let you do that in the Welfare Office here. They don't hold it against you. You could even be flat on your back on the floor, arms stretched out, wailing for your mother, and you'll still probably get your crisis grant. And they don't hold talking to yourself against you, either, or shouting at invisible enemies. And I can't help it if my head movements are a little squirrel-like, every now and then. I don't know what causes that. Caffeine? But just try to get a job like that, when you're only being yourself.
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Hal Looks Like My Web Cam

Watching 2001: A Space Odyssey might be a different experience for me than for others. The lead astronaut draws well and goes by the same first name. I liked the setting of man against his science. How his science had slipped away from him, leaving him stranded in outer space, refusing to open the pod bay doors. 'Hal, I said open the pod bay doors. Hal, open the pod bay doors OR I'M COMING IN THERE WITH A FUCKING PICK-AX!' Then there's the ending. Everyone else always hears the original soundtrack, but I, possibly from the beginning, only ever heard Pink Floyd's Echoes, which runs approximately the same length.
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